Why Can't It Be Me?

  so you all know i used to be engaged & head over heels in love. everything was going perfect then suddenly my whole world came crashing down around me. not too long after my engagement was called off my was going to be maid of honor announced she was engaged. then she announced she was pregnant. i'm so unbelievably happy for her. yet i still think, why isn't this happening to me too? i should still be planning my wedding & maybe even thinking about babies. instead i'm sleeping alone in my bed crying myself to sleep cause i fully believe i will never feel the happiness i once felt ever again. i thought still planning on adopting some day would fill that void..but i'll still never have the amazing joy of having my own baby. watching my baby grow inside of me as my stomach grows bigger to hold him or her..listening to his or her heartbeat..feeling him or her kick..etc. i couldn't wait to do that with Chad. now i just sit at home & think wow, i'll never have any of that. i've tried so hard to get past everything. get over everything. but there are some things that just stay stuck inside.
  i keep saying "i'm never getting married." "forget marriage." things like that. but part of me still hopes someday i'll have the chance. maybe even with Chad again. but like i said in a post before i'm terrified of all things having to do with relationships, love, & marriage. i have my wall built up & i don't plan on taking it down any time soon. there are so many people i used to trust that now i can't trust at all. especially men. i used to be able to trust the guys in my youth group for example. but now i only trust one. & not even like i used to. i only trust him a little bit. my view on men & life & love has completely changed.
  i want so bad to be happy again. & to not be alone. i want to be the molly i used to be.
  but i don't think we'll ever see her again.

xo,
molly.

Late Can't Sleep

  You know lately i have been in a pretty dark place, but whenever my bud, Brian, tries to cheer me up it usually works & i'm smiling & laughing, almost like i used to. My only problem? I've discovered that i am literally terrified of getting into another relationship. With anyone. And i'm even more terrified of the thought of ever being engaged again. Hopefully i'll grow out of it but right now it's just a pain in the butt & a burden. When i decided that i no longer loved Chad a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, but now i feel tension from my fears.

  A couple at my church just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. A big milestone, and a big inspiration. My grandparents on my dad's side were married for over 50 years and i always told my grandma, "some day i'm gonna have a love like you and grandpa have." i thought so bad that that was Chad. i still have a glimmer of hope that it is. i bawled at their vow renewal especially when our Pastor played a special song for them. I'm not sure what the title is but i'd assume "It's Still I Do" maybe. It said in the song, even when the going got tough we stayed by each others side, we never walked away from everything we had. Oh how i wish Chad would have been as willing as i was to fight through the tough spots.

  I guess we'll just have to wait & see what the good Lord has in store for me won't we?

  I still have not been able to force myself/get myself to delete my wedding folder. My best friend is getting married so i told her she can have it & use/take whatever she wants from it. Under one condition. i asked her to please..please, please, please..don't take my dress. She, thank God, already found a dress she had in mind. I just for some reason cannot let that dress go. It was my dream dress but i know i'll never be able to wear it now because that was my dress with Chad. That was the gown i was going to marry the love of my life in. But everything just slipped away.

  I just don't understand what kind of plan God has in store for me. He brings me to the man i'm supposed to spend my life with then when i pray to him begging him to help me keep him he just stands by & watches as my whole world comes crashing down & i lose the only man i ever want to be with.
  Talk about tough love.


xo,
molly.

Wow! It's Been Awhile!

Sorry i haven't posted in like forever! been such a busy couple months! here's some updates..

the first big time stealer:
  Chad & i are officially completely over forever. not talking. not friends. nothing. he completely sucked all the love i had left for him out of me. only problem...if he ever called me or texted me wanting to get back together with me, i'd say yes without giving it a second though.
  for now i'm single though. liking it yet hating it. honestly legitimately terrified to get into another relationship. we'll see how things play out.

the second time stealer:
  i've been studying non-stop so i can become a self-ordained minister. not only will i be able to preach God's Word, i'll be able to officiate weddings, funerals, baptisms, & things like that. i'm so excited!!

some updates on misc. things that have been going on:

  i died my hair! i'm now a brunette! i dyed it when i was in North Carolina back in mid/end of May. i'm still trying to decide if i want to keep it brown longer after my roots come in or if i just wanna go back to bleach blonde. only worry, my friends told me my hair could turn orange if i dye it back to blonde & something goes wrong...greeeatt.
  i'm working on getting my own place, and might have one this summer. i'm so excited! fingers crossed!! i already have ideas of how i'm gonna decorate haha. is that bad? idk.

Oh! last week i also finally got my Gold Award pin. the highest award in Girl Scouting you can get. it's equivalent to the Eagle Scout in Boy Scouts. i am so honored & proud to call myself a Gold Awardee. The few & the proud! haha.



Anyway i think that's it for right now. i might post something later today or tomorrow. i've actually really missed this. blog you later!

xo,
molly.

Lent Update & Netflix

Buenos Dias!

Lent Update:

Lent has been pretty interesting so far. Lots of temptation towards eating red meat & drinking tea. I have a lot of people rooting for me though. I'm very thankful for that. Anyway, on to my main message...

I've been watching a lot of Ghost Whisperer & random movies on Netflix lately. Watching The Walking Dead now. So far it's pretty good. I'm kind of surprised by some of the shows & movies on Netflix. Ones I haven't seen in forever.

I watched the ABC Family movie, Cyberbully, today. It made me bawl haha. It kinda hit home. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend that you do. It really makes you think & gives you a new way of looking at things. Cyberbully made me think of the law we have here in my state & how when I was in high school we had to sign a form saying if we bullied in school or even out of school, including online we would be subject to punishment. It actually was a good idea. Cyberbullying within our school was really cut down. Sure, it still tended to happen every once & awhile but not very often. It wasn't a large group of people ganging up on someone or anything. If it did happen it would be one person saying something to another person, calling them a name or something. What you'd expect from high schoolers. Nothing too awful big. Anyway, back to what I was originally saying, if you haven't seen this movie.....go watch it!

xo,

molly.