so you all know i used to be engaged & head over heels in love. everything was going perfect then suddenly my whole world came crashing down around me. not too long after my engagement was called off my was going to be maid of honor announced she was engaged. then she announced she was pregnant. i'm so unbelievably happy for her. yet i still think, why isn't this happening to me too? i should still be planning my wedding & maybe even thinking about babies. instead i'm sleeping alone in my bed crying myself to sleep cause i fully believe i will never feel the happiness i once felt ever again. i thought still planning on adopting some day would fill that void..but i'll still never have the amazing joy of having my own baby. watching my baby grow inside of me as my stomach grows bigger to hold him or her..listening to his or her heartbeat..feeling him or her kick..etc. i couldn't wait to do that with Chad. now i just sit at home & think wow, i'll never have any of that. i've tried so hard to get past everything. get over everything. but there are some things that just stay stuck inside.
i keep saying "i'm never getting married." "forget marriage." things like that. but part of me still hopes someday i'll have the chance. maybe even with Chad again. but like i said in a post before i'm terrified of all things having to do with relationships, love, & marriage. i have my wall built up & i don't plan on taking it down any time soon. there are so many people i used to trust that now i can't trust at all. especially men. i used to be able to trust the guys in my youth group for example. but now i only trust one. & not even like i used to. i only trust him a little bit. my view on men & life & love has completely changed.
i want so bad to be happy again. & to not be alone. i want to be the molly i used to be.
but i don't think we'll ever see her again.
xo,
molly.
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