Hello there! For my first blog post i wanted to tell you a little about what has been going on in my life lately & where i stand. So here i go, and trust me i will be crying in this...a lot.
A little over a year ago i decided to date my best guy friend, Chad. Chad & i met at our youth camp years ago & he was my bgf ever since then. On January 12, 2012, i decided to say yes to his offer. A couple weeks after we officially started dating, we both went to the PMEA District 3 Chorus Festival, his first, my third. I kissed him on the last day of the festival before we both left to go home. The second i kissed him i could feel the butterflies filling up my body. I felt weak in the knees, yet like i was floating on air. Short story short, it was that kiss everyone hopes they'll someday have. Right when i kissed him, i knew he was the man i was going to marry someday. Sure enough, on February 4, 2012, Chad proposed to me. Very soon, i know. But Chad & i had something special. We spent my birthday together & occasionally shared visits (we lived an hour away from each other). We went to each others Senior Proms, mine on his birthday, his the week after. That summer, i stayed the weekend or more at least once every month. that time was the best of my life! We weren't your normal teenage couple that go out to the movies ALL THE TIME or out to dinner or to the mall or whatever. We stayed at home, cuddling on the couch watching a dvd or something on Netflix. Yes, we did go places. We went to 2 Pirates games and to the mall once. Both times we were with his family. Which i loved because i adored his family. We would go on the trails around town and go to his friends houses doing things that teenagers do, etc. Chad started working at a nursing home & was going to school to become an RN (Registered Nurse). I started working as a cashier. Both of us worked third shift so communication was kind of hard but not too hard. We would still see each other but not as much as we used to. This took a major toll on our relationship. In October 2012, we realized we had been moving too fast too soon & now we were kind of stuck in our tracks. We couldn't get married for a couple years still (we were waiting till after school & when we were 21) so we were stuck planning our wedding for a couple years. Normally you're dating a couple years then engaged then bam married, but nope, not us. Anyway, Chad texted me one day when i was on my way home from Ohio, visiting family, and told me he thought we needed a break. The second i read the text, i literally could not breathe. This isn't the over dramatic "oh my gosh i can't breathe" but still can kind of thing. My cousin thought i needed to the hospital cause i legit
was not breathing. the fact that i had tears pouring from my eyes like a flood was not helping me at all. He told me we weren't going to see anyone else, we were still a couple, just not talking for a while. i begged and begged and begged him. i was terrified! finally i gave in and let him have his time because i knew, yes i might loose him, but if i don't give him this time he'll leave me right now. We didn't talk for a couple weeks. One day he texted me & told me he was coming over to talk. I got ready best i could (i had looked like shit this entire length of time we hadn't been talking). He picked me up & we went for a drive to talk things out. We decided to start talking again & work on the things we needed to work out. Everything was going much better until November 2012. I got a text on my break at work from Chad. He told me he was at the hospital. I scared because not too long before this he was in the hospital for wrecking his car. He didn't text back & didn't text back. My break was over but i was freaking out & totally out of focus. My manager knew what was happening & let me go on my break a little early to see if he texted me back. All he told me was that he didn't know what happened, he didn't know what was going on. This scared me even more. Finally, it was time for me to go home so when i got home i texted him immediately and asked him what he knew, what was going on. He finally told me what he was trying not to tell me. They found a lump, and he might have cancer. I immediately broke out into tears & called him. He kept telling me that it was all going to be ok and that he's sure it's nothing. I took off work to go to Pittsburgh with him for his biopsy. When i got to his house after work, the day i took off, he acted just like Chad. Like nothing was happening & everything was normal. Chad, being Chad, kept making a joke about it saying that he has cancer and etc. His parents & i kept telling him to stop talking like that. That night after his parents went to bed Chad told me that it was definite. That he got the blood work back & the count was so high that there's no way possible that he doesn't have cancer. I still kept hope & prayed & prayed. We went to Pitt the next morning. He went in to meet with the doctor & as soon as the doctor looked at the enlarged area & felt it he knew it was definitely cancer. We went over to the other side of the hospital where he was getting a CT Scan. That was the longest walk of my life. I...WAS...BAWLING!! I couldn't stop. We got to the cancer unit & the waiting room and sat down. Chad didn't notice for awhile that i was still crying. He put his hand on my leg & his other arm around me & pulled me close. He told me everything was going to be ok, we were going to get through this, nothing was going to change. Nothing was going to change between us. (Remember that, it's important.) They told him he needed surgery & they were going to have to take the entire area where this tumor was. When i got home, i tried to sleep a little (didn't happen). Early in the morning, i got up and went to my work to talk to my manager, tell him what was going on, and that i would like to take 2 days off along with my regularly scheduled time off to be with Chad for his surgery. I told him i would work the Tuesday before & after to make up for it. He granted me the time off. I went up to Chad's that Thursday. Friday morning we went back to Pitt for his surgery. Thank God he was being strong cause i was so weak you could have snapped me in two. I was terrified of what would happen to him. The surgery took what felt like forever. However, they told us the surgery went great. I was upset however when we went back to see Chad in the room they gave him & he acted like he didn't want me there, didn't care that i was there. All he was doing was texting one of his friends who said they were coming but couldn't make it. I understood that he was on a lot of pain medication but it still hurt. I helped him get his socks & shoes on & held doors for him, etc. but the whole time he was kind of, ignoring me, kind of rude to me. It really hurt me. He went home the same day as the surgery & i slept on the couch with him that night to make sure he was ok & if he needed anything i was there to get it for him. That weekend, everything came crashing down. He didn't pay attention to me at all. He played Halo 4 (it had just came out), which he had already beat but kept playing cause he loves it (understandable) & was playing it live with friends. He had people over constantly (i was happy that his friends cared so much). But what really got me was at night when we had our total alone time, our us time, he had one of his friends over every night. So there was no love making, no talking, no cuddling, nothing. We fought about that & had a huge fight about his ex gf. I tried confiding in him & telling him how i felt about the situation but he just got angry & said "we're done." I chased him outside & we ended up making up. I went home & he didn't text me back much. Finally he texted me one day after church & told me once again that he didn't want to talk for awhile. Then, on November 24, 2012, we had the biggest fight we've ever had & we broke up. I was totally & completely heart broken. My best friends knew i have struggled with depression before & were terrified this was gonna push me over the edge & instead of just thinking about suicide, actually attempting it. I cried every single day..more than once a day. We didn't talk for a long time. Then we started talking again & decided to be friends. Then friends with benefits. Then one day when he was in a bad mood, we had a fight a hell of a lot worse than the fight we had before we broke up. I won't tell you what was said, just because i never want it brought up again. I called my best friend bawling (yes, i know i bawl a lot in this). She tried to calm me down & slowly tell me what happened. I was so hysterical she couldn't understand a word i was saying. One thing i didn't tell you, this was right before Christmas!! On Christmas Eve as a matter of fact! On Christmas Day, he texted me wishing my family & me a Merry Christmas & told me he was sorry for what he said & he wanted to be friends. I wished him & his family the same but told him i just couldn't forgive him yet & that i needed time before i ever think of being friends with him. He said he understood & he'd give me the time i needed. I really appreciated it & told him thank you. The time didn't take too long because i had been miserable for what felt like years. We started talking again & being friends. Then, we started talking about getting back together. We are still at that stage currently. He started chemo in January & was supposed to be done yesterday but because of complications won't be done till Friday. He says he's still not ready to even think about having a girlfriend yet & will only give me a probably when i ask if we're going to get back together. I pray to God we do but i'm still afraid we won't. When i think about us not getting back together tears well up in my eyes & i have to do something to distract myself. I love him so so much. And i know he is still the one i'm supposed to marry. And i pray to God there is mercy for me & Chad takes me back. I can't live without him...I don't want to live without him. I want us to make the promise we made each other over a year ago someday again. I have to stop here because i need to calm down but that's what has happened to me in the past year. Have a great day everyone & thank you for reading what i had to say.
xo,
molly
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